So now that we've reached that 30 year marker I often look around and take in all the blessings that Ive been given...and I think back at the things I saw myself having, goals and milestones I had wanted to reach by now and slowly they get checked off my list...I was blessed to have been able to marry my best friend, a man I love, my better half who really does make me happier than I could have ever imagined. We bought our first house together which we have turned into a home (yes theres a difference). We have jobs which we actually really enjoy doing and have been such blessings to us. But beyond all that we have been given the opportunity to become parents to the most amazing little boy! So from the looks of things I have been able through Gods grace fulfill my 20 year old self's wishes. Life is pretty good!
As happy as we are (don't get me wrong we have our bad days too, we are human, it happens) there was one desire that was pulling at my heart for a very very long time. I absolutely LOVE being a mom! This part of my is probably my most cherished nothing can ever compare to the feeling you get when you're a mom. When you look at your little one with so much love because they are part of you, God has blessed you with such a miracle and has entrusted you with these little hearts to grow and protect and love. My heart is so full when I just think about Logan and how happy this child makes me and how much God has worked through him to remind me of so many things. He is literally the greatest blessing in our lives.
So of course Moe & I have always wanted more kiddos, for Logan to be a big brother. Our hearts were set on growing our family. When we decided to start trying for sweet baby number two we both thought
"well when we decided to start trying for Logan we were blessed to have been able to conceive within the first month, so this time around should probably go the same right?"
Here we are Logan just about to turn two and we decided that this would be the right time...Logan would be just about 3 and the baby would be born how awesome would that be...What they don't tell you is that sometimes the second time around doesn't come as easily as one would think. So month after month passes...negative test after negative test...still no baby...thoughts start to arise in my mind and I can't help but think there might be something wrong...6 months have already passed and nothing...so if we still aren't pregnant in 3 months I thought maybe I should check in with my doctor...well 3 months pass and still nothing. I go to the doctor and she runs all the test that should be able to give us some kind of answer but after those results come in she basically looked at me and told me well your numbers are all fine, your under 30 it should happen soon. If you still have no luck in the next 3 months I can recommend you to another doctor who specializes in these types of situations. Well 3 more months pass and still constant negative tests appear. Its been about a year now since we've been trying to grow our family and we're still without answers. So I book the appointment with the specialist thinking maybe she can give me a better answer to whats going on...well she didnt...literally she said my numbers are fine everything is ok its just timing...but if we need a little intervention she could possibly prescribe some medication to help. Shocked that we were in this position and having this be an option I wasnt sure what to think, this wasnt supposed to be how we added another baby to our family. Something really didnt feel right, deep in my heart. As we were driving home that day from that appointment I couldn't help but break down as we pulled up to the house. Moe sitting beside me asked what was going through my mind, what were my thoughts about all of the info that had just flooded through our minds. I literally looked at him and said:
"this isnt how I want this to happen. I fell like Im taking God out of this equation. I want this baby to be given to us by God in his timing because I know his timing is perfect, and I feel if we move forward with treatments Im taking Him out of this and I know that when we try to take care of things our way they will never even come close to being as great as they could have been if left in Gods hands. I want this to be in His timing not my own, because clearly my timing isnt what God had in store for me because a year later here we are. I want God to be the center and not move forward with treatments because if we do then its like were telling God that I don't trust Him."
It was in this moment that we looked at each other and decided that moving forward we're not gonna stress (or try not to stress) about growing our family. That we were going to leave it in Gods hands and let Him work because His timing is better than ours.
Now this again this isnt something that we've been open about with many people because its a sensitive subject for us. Its hard to constantly be asked "when is baby number 2 coming?" or "Logan would be such a good big brother! Don't you guys wanna try for another?" and countless other similar comments. Little did anyone know we have been dealing with the struggle of conceiving for quite some time...but you put a brave face on and you try not to get overly emotional or sensitive because this is your secret battle.
What broke my heart more than anything is the one time we were in the car, Moe, Logan & I and Logan says to me "Mom can I have a baby brother or sister?" Moe and I look at each other because here is our 4 year old asking for the one thing I want to give him more than anything in the world and we just tell him "We're praying for that kiddo hopefully soon". So although we were praying for this sibling to arrive we also made sure to include this request in our nightly prayers with Logan and as did he.
So after as we were reaching our 3 year mark of trying to add to our family I sat down and really thought about things. I thought about how much God has blessed us so far about how good he has been to us over the years. I thought about the amazing childhood we have worked so hard to give Logan so far. I thought about how although I may not understand why this desire that was placed on my heart hasn't yet been fulfilled I knew in the deepest part of my heart that God was not done with our family, our family was not done growing, it may not happen according to my time line BUT God has a different plan, a better plan, a time set aside for this chapter of our lives. I thought about how my I have to completely and fully put my trust in him. To have faith in God and his timing more than I have ever before. I have to literally let go of me wanting to control this and just be still and wait. As 2016 began that was my prayer: let go, be still, and give this up to God completely, to let his will be done.
Again month after month went by...this year though was different my focus had shifted. It had changed to focusing on my family, making memories, being happy, getting healthy. I learned to just enjoy every moment and take in the blessings big and small as they came. Now the desire for a baby never left my heart, it was always there, but instead of feeling broken...felling defeated by my body...I decided to look at it in this light: God has something big planned just wait! Trust Him and wait! So night after night our prayer for a baby was still there, my perspective changed and was made to be on my relationship with God. Basically I pressed reset and I let him work. As the year was coming to its end I couldn't help but wonder when that prayer would be answered. Knowing I have a powerful God I waited with excitement because I again knew he wasnt done that he had something big in store for us. So jokingly I said moe one night
"Moe the Cubs won the world series and Trump became president...literally anything is possible this could be the year that we get pregnant again"
He looked at me and said "you never know!" Basically we laughed that off as a joke but seriously how awesome would that be right?!
December was among us...That first Sunday of the month we were celebrating the
dedication of the beautiful new daughter of our close friends...looking around you couldn't help but be happy, not only are we able to experience the joy of parenthood but so are all our friends! We go home in one of the most beautiful snow falls...you know the type that are peaceful and calm...we get home we planned to decorate our tree and get the house ready for Christmas ..once thats done the boys decide to watch a movie and we just have a chill night...it was the perfect night...once Logans tucked in and moe and I are getting ready to catch up on whatever show were finishing up on hulu...I have this weird idea to go take a pregnancy test...the thought in my mind being...well I haven't taken one in a while...if it'll be negative today it'll be negative tomorrow right? So why not...as I'm waiting for the results I literally say a small prayer for a Christmas miracle...
