Hunters Birth Story

Introducing Hunter Wyatt Sopt
Born: 7/27/2017
6lbs 6oz
19 inches

Since finding out we were expecting our sweet Hunter boy I constantly sat in prayer. Prayer not only for a healthy pregnancy, a healthy baby, a bond between both my boys, for Logan to be a great big brother & for our hearts to be filled with a love we could only be blessed with my God. 

With Logan I labored for a good 14 hours drug free and an additional 3 after that with an epidural before the doctors called for an emergency c-section. The only labor I know is via c-section, which is ok because I know what to expect and I had a great team of doctors work on me back then. Recovery was great and I was thankful to have been able to delivery a healthy beautiful baby boy 6 years ago.

This time around I made it known to my team of doctors that I really wanted to try for a VBAC. I wanted to do everything I possibly could to experience a birth not via c-section. I was blessed to be in the care of doctors who supported my decision and were respectful towards my choice, they provided me with all the information I needed before hand. We looked at all the factors and although my chances of a successful VBAC weren't 100% (mostly because of a narrow pelvis & that with Logan I stopped progressing at 4cm) they gave me a good probability of success if I wanted to try & we knew where we would call for a c-section if needed. I can't tell you again how grateful I was and am to have such a great team of doctors by our side! They were truly a blessing! 

As we approached 36 weeks my nerves and anxiety were a bit higher because that's where Logan decided to make his grand entrance into our lives and all I knew was to have a little one at 36 weeks so we were well prepared and ready to go at 36! Well we passed 36 and made it into 37!! 

37 weeks was all new territory!! Feeling great and thankful to have made into what doctors consider full term I was more and more excited to meet our little man!! All I wanted to do that week is walk...walk everywhere...I couldn't stand still...I needed to walk and move! Well all that walking sure did the trick because come Wednesday morning I woke up feeling a bit of leaking happening...in a panic at 430am I wake up moe telling him I was leaking and although not much it definitely didn't feel like pee (sorry tmi...but isn't all birth stories) and I think I should call the doctors. I call in and the on-call says to be safe I should make my way in...ok so see breath I started to think we'll go in get checked everything will be fine and we'll be sent home for a false alarm.

37 weeks & 4 days!
 Our last belly shot the morning of our "false alarm" which turned into the real deal later that night!!

So I call my cousin who lives super close to head over to just hang out at the house while Logan slept till my mom made her way over. Once that was all settled me and moe made our way to the hospital. 

Once getting checked in...no contractions or pain just that random leaking...the doctors come in check me out tell me that it's not amniotic fluid and nothing was pooling...what likely happened is Hunter just was in a lower position and pushed on my bladder in an odd way and that it was normal...back home we go after a few hours of hanging out in labor and delivery...

The rest of the day consisted of taking it easy per doctors orders and the plan was to head back to work Thursday like normal. Later that night just like every Wednesday we made our way into the city to drop off Logan at my moms. All I kept thinking as we got closer is how badly I had to use the bathrooms we get there around 7 and straight to the bathroom I went..and well went and wouldn't stop...this then put me in a panic because it wasn't normal i call my doctor 30 minutes later explaining what I'm feeling and her response was a joyous giggle "em that's your water breaking! It's baby time!" What!!! Just this morning it was a false alarm now it's the real deal!! Giving Logan his final single child kisses and hugs, him reminding me to be brave...we make our way to the hospital...this was it!!! We're on our way to have our much anticipated & prayed for son!!

I will say labor this time although being 28hrs long was a much better experience than my first time. From going through the motions drug free for a bit to a great epidural being administered this time around (which gave me then chance to NAP...yes NAP during the process) to my blood pressures and sugars being beautiful stable throughout. Hunter did great during the process and we were moving along, although slowly we were still progressing. That was till about 930am the next morning. This was where we reached the 4cm mark...the point where labor stopped with Logan...

Now we knew at this point that Hunter was still fairly high and it may be a while before he joined us. We knew that our team of doctors were treating this as if it were our first time so we understood that the whole process could possibly take between 24-36 hours long. A few more hours past as we were close to 18 hours in and still at 4cm and only 70% effaced. We were in no rush to throw in the towel yet since both Hunter & I were doing well so we continue to wait. A few more hours pass and we're at the 22 hour mark at this point the doctors were saying that we would give us a few more hours with hopes of progression but if there was no change what so ever at the 24 hour point we may be looking at a c-section. 

My heart was just aching to hold our sweet boy. To have him be delivered healthy into our lives. For me to be healthy and strong. My prayers were that God kept me brace, strong & safe. I thanked Him throughout our whole labor & delivery and asked that he bless the doctors on our team to help us meet Hunter the safest & healthiest way possible. As the hours we're passing and not progress was being made I was brought back to my labor with Logan and deep down I knew that a c-section would be called. I began to then pray for a safe procedure & recovery, that God continue to put his hand upon Hunter & myself as we get closer and closer to finally meeting each other. As hour 24 came and went we were just waiting for the doctor to come and do one last check to see if any progression was made. Hour 26 came and our doctor came in and checked and let us know that since 930 this morning there has been no progression we were still at 4cm and only 70% effaced. A c-section would be their recommendation and the safest way to delivery our sweet boy. 

Throughout my whole labor and delivery not one tear was shed till now. I was emotionally tired and ready to meet my sweet son. I'll never understand why I'm not able to deliver naturally and that's ok because Gods plans are bigger and greater than my own and I'm not meant to understand I'm called to trust and have faith in him during all circumstances. So here we are hour 28 (we had to wait for the OR to open up) prepping for my second c-section my husband & my sister by my side ( mom & dad were watching Logan) came together to pray for the doctors and for Hunter & myself as were about to head into surgery. I couldn't be more grateful for the amazing support & prayers from family & friends. Trust me they were most definitely heard! 

Moe was so much more confident this time around as he prepped himself to meet me in the OR. Standing strong and brave beside me as I anxiously waiting for our team to start. Here we are bright lights and entire team of not only doctors but nurses and other team members ready to help bring Hunter into our lives. All I remember is laying there shivering waiting for that sweet cry...before I knew it there it was his sweet voice loud and clear and beautiful! Tears of pure joy and a smile bigger than I can explain on my face on Moes face!! He's here!! My sweet Hunter is here!!! Before I knew it what was actual an hour and half procedure felt like 15 minutes! Into recovery we go with my sweet boy on my chest having those moments of skin to skin bonding which with Logan I didn't get. He's here he's beautiful!! I'm in awe of the prayers which were answered!

I was exhausted but so filled with joy and adrenaline that it didn't matter. My heart was so full in this moment! After four and a half years of praying and waiting we had our miracle baby given to us in Gods perfect timing. Logans prayer for a brother answered! Hunter was finally here, healthy, strong, full term and 6lbs 6oz of sweet baby boy to love forever!!

Dressing the Bump

So with this pregnancy being during the opposite time of year I'm getting to experience everything during the summer months! Being pregnant during the winter you dont have to many options in terms of clothes...cause lets be honest your main goal aside from trying to be as comfortable as you can is to stay warm! 

Now in my opinion a summer pregnancy is a game changer in terms of what to wear! 

I am loving living in dresses! 

They are my go to especially with the heat! 

I've been pretty blessed in the sense that most non-maternity dresses still fit pretty well if I just go up one size! This also makes it pretty convient in the fact that well...I didnt have to buy too many maternity clothes...and if I do I can find tons of non-maternity on sale and not (which still costs less than most maternity clothes). 

Here are some of my favorite looks over the last 8 months...as well as a little bit of a pregnancy progression.

Dress: Oldnavy
Cardigan: target
Shoes:Marco Republic off Amazon

Dress: Oldnavy
Jacket: Oldnavy
Shoes: ASOS

Dress: ASOS
Cardigan: Target
Shoes: DSW

Jeans: Liz Lange Maternity for Target with side panels
Top: OldNavy

Dress: Target
Cardigan: Target
Shoes: Modcloth

Chinos: Gap 

Top: Target

Shoes: New Balance 

Dress: Oldnavy

Shoes: Modcloth

Everything from this one was Target

Dress: Oldnavy
Cardigan: Target
Shoes: Chinese Laundry-DSW

Dress: Oldnavy
Jean Jacket (my fave): Gap
Sandler: Target 

Dress: Modcloth
Cardigan: Target
Shoes: Asos

Dress: Gap
Cardigan: Target
Shoes: Modcloth

Dress: Target
Jean Jacket: Gap
Shoes: Target

Dress: Oldnavy
Shoes: Target

Everything in this one was all from Target

ITS A.....HOW THE SOPTS DO A GENDER REVEAL

So we knew from the beginning of my pregnancy that we wanted to know the gender basically as soon as we could find out! For me regardless of whether or not we were having a girl or another boy all I prayed for was a healthy baby. Now we all know logan was hoping and praying nightly for a baby brother, moe was thinking we were having a girl, and again I was just wanting a healthy little one.

When we were brainstorming ideas on how to reveal our sweet babes gender I obviously turned to pinterest, instagram, & youtube to see what others have done…hoping to find inspiration. I came across one video that I couldn’t stop thinking about because it seemed so us…it involved some tanarite, a target, and some good aim.

I showed moe this video and was excited that he also was on the same page as me thinking that this specific reveal was perfect for OUR family…now that it was settled we had to wait a few weeks till our gender scan and since we wanted this to be special we decided to schedule through Goldenview Ultrasoud in Chicago, they were so great when we visited them for Logans pregnancy, I knew I wanted to go back the second time around.  IF you expecting I totally recommend them! http://www.goldenviewultrasound.com/chicago   

Week 19 finally came around and as I was laying there seeing my sweet little ones body, hearing that beautiful heartbeat and then it came time to see what we were having. I asked that no one say anything as I wanted to be surprised and wait till the reveal. So everything went silent, I closed my eyes tight and for what seemed like forever, but then the tech and moe started talking again and she said that I can open my eyes cause theyre back on the babys face…my first question was…”Could you see?! Are you sure you got a clear view? You positive there was no mistaking what you saw??? ARE YOU POSITIVE”…All he said was “yes em…I saw very clearly…we’re good…now you just need to wait a week…”

So week following I was curious to see if Moe would tell me…or drop a hint…anything at all…but nope nothing…And the only reason he found out first was because he was the only person I trusted to order the supplies for the reveal.  What we needed was about 5lbs of tannerite and chalk powder…and his AR15...the tannerite kit we found came from http://www.wholesalecolorpowder.com/gender-reveal-packages/ who was so great to work with, their shipping was awesome and we got everything quickly since we wanted to go out to the location the following Saturday. The kit came in early and after moe checked he let me know everything came in and then hid the supplies in a black bag somewhere in the house so I wouldn’t try to sneak a peek…which fyi right after our ultra sound he did the same by locking up the printouts we got in his car because he knew I wouldn’t try to get to them that way…I have a tendency to sneak peeks at presents…

Ok So Saturday comes around and all week all I prayed for was good weather or at least an clear opening that day so that we wouldn’t be rained out.  We’re all packed up and ready to go and as we’re driving through rain…rain…and more rain I just keep praying that once we get to Indiana that there be a period of where it stops just for a few minutes…as we’re getting closer and closer the skies start to clear and moe turns to me and goes “so you know how you said I would take the shot? Well I want you to take it instead….”  Now I’ve been shooting with him a few times and Im an ok shot but I’ve never done anything like this before…and the pressure was on…what if I miss, thats all I kept thinking about…I told him fine…but if I miss 3 times then hes gonna have to take the shot instead. That was our deal.

We finally make it to our location. Moe runs out into the field looking got a good place to put our target…he sets up his stand for me and the rifle…and basically says “ok…you ready…go for it…” With the target being about 100 yards out I take a deep breathe and take my shot…I miss…ok…well…let try again…deep breath…aim…and relax…there goes the second shot….and a beautiful…cloud of BLUE explodes in the air!! Logan SHOUTS: It’s a boy!!! Im having a brother!!! I knew it!!!

Another boy!! ANOTHER SWEET SWEET BABY BOY!!! I cannot tell you how happy my heart is that we’re having a boy, that Logan will be having a baby brother!!! I love being a mom to boys theres something that’s so special about this bond we have with our sons and I couldn’t be more grateful! God has heard Logans sweet prayers night after night for a baby brother.

We couldnt have picked a more fun way for us to find out the gender! What made this day a bit  more special was that we were able to take in the moment just Logan, Moe & I. We were able to dwell in all the excitement & emotions of it all.

We couldn’t wait to share the news with our family and friends and knew the following day everyone would be over to watch the video of our reveal. Most that came were guessing we were having a girl so it was so fun to hear everyones thoughts and guesses and theories based on countless old wives tales. When it finally came time to reveal our little ones gender! They were literally all taken by surprise, joy, and excitement. Logan was having a brother and you could see on his face that he was the happiest person in the room to share that news with everyone.

Check out the video below!!

Dear Mom...

So growing up Mom would write us letters, these letters were filled with advice, with hard truths we needed to hear, with scripture, they were filled with guidance, compassion, and above all they were filled with love.  So when we would receive these letters (they were rare) you knew there was something serious she wanted to talk to you about. These letters meant that she wanted you to remember her words and not just listen for the moment and then go about your way... These letters meant that Mom had taken time out of her busy day to pray about us, to look up scripture for us, she poured out her heart to us, her worries, her concerns, her hopes for us on these sheets of paper. These letters were our eye openers and left a mark on our hearts. She also wouldn’t just hand us letters, no she wanted us to find them…she would place them in our bibles…and she would do this to see how long it would take us to find it…the longer it took to find her letter meant that it may have been a while since we opened our bibles…another reason a letter may have been warranted… So when I was asked to write a tribute about my mom I help but think that this was my time to write her a letter. So mom here is my letter to you. 

Dear Mom, 

As a teenager it may have been hard to believe all those people who have said that your mom will become your best friend when you're older, just wait and see. Let me tell you they were right! You are my best friend. You always answer my call everyday (yes to this day I will still make that 5 minute phone call to check and see how you are and your days been, it’s been what we do since high school) when I leave work or just feel like checking in, everyday either at 4:30 or 5.. You are always there to give advice when I needed and even when I think I don’t, yes at 30 I'm still your daughter and you still have tons of advice to give. I want you to know that your advice and opinion is still one that value and take to heart. You encourage me when I feel weak, and you push me to never give up. You pray for me still and you know exactly what to say when I need to hear it. Especially considering most of the time I need your tough love and to just be told to stop being scared and toughen up! You remind me that there’s nothing to worry about and that God is in control...cause yes my anxieties do tend to get the best of me and that’s been something I've been struggling with since college. But you’re always there no matter what even though when we were little and ask you where you were going your response was either "Ma duc pe luna" or "Honolulu" and us as kids believed you were really leaving on some far away adventure and we would beg to go with you…now I’ve used that line on Logan a few times…who of course got real curious and confused when he found out I was only going to take out the trash and not on some super cool adventure…but I now totally get that joke! But in reality you’re never too far away and always ready to listen and put your mom cape on.

I know that the past couple of years have not been easy on us as we faced some of our stormiest seasons. Throughout all those trials your faith has been constant, never wavering. You have shown me what it means to truly trust Gods plan and to let God work. From the shock of your heart attack to the surgeries following, to the diagnosis of cancer you stood strong and when most people who would have gone through all of that would have been angry, would have given up, you didn't. I can’t help but think of this specific bible verse when I think back on the last few years:

“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”-Jeremiah 29:11

You had been positive through it all, you relied on your faith, on your trust in God that he has a greater plan for you. You fought and you fought hard! You have shown me what it means to be strong and fearless even during the darkest storms! One day while you were in recovery we were talking and you told me that you knew in your heart that God isn’t done with you and I believe you! I am so thankful that our prayers have been answered and continue to be answered because you’re still here with us and more than anything YOU'RE HEALTHY! 

"The impression that a praying mother leaves upon her children is life-long”

- Dwight L. Moody

You are such an amazing mom to each of your kids, to Robert, Ang, and myself. You have supported us to the fullest, pushing us to achieve our goals, whatever they may be. You have raised us to be strong, independent, to stand firm in who we are, to never give up. Thank you for the lessons you've taught us, for the love you showed us, and for the countless sacrifices you’ve made for us, for your patience, and constant prayer over each of us and for giving us the best childhood we could have asked for. A childhood that meant nights at the big park, countless hours spent at orchestra concerts, after school activities and soccer games, giving each of us the opportunities to grow. You actually let us make mistakes and be kids, teenagers and adults, so that we can learn and become better, because sometimes that’s how we learn best, sometimes you needed to let us learn the hard way in to really understand things in life. With that being said though you were always our safety net just in case we did fall too hard…you were always there and are always there to catch us.

You always made sure that we knew that God is our center and that we need to strive to live a life pleasing to him. You have taught us the importance of being thankful and humble, kind and honest. You have instilled so many characteristics in us so that we have been able to grow into the adults we are today. So Thank you for really being the best mom I could have ever been blessed with. I will tell you that I try so hard to use what I’ve learned from you to be the best mom I can be for my boys and I am so grateful that I had such an amazing example of what a Godly mother is through you! 

When it comes to being a grandma though...I have no words! I can only say that Logan lights up each and every time he sees you. He loves you so much and I can see why. You always make time to play, to go to the park, to take him to his favorite store...which happens to be walgreens...and the only walgreens he wants to go to is Bunis walgreens...the other ones aren’t the same. Even at the age of 2 he knew as we got closer to your house that we weren’t in CHICAGO...we were in BUNIS city! When he does get to your house he walks in like its his, announcing BUNI IM HERE LETS PLAY!! and without fail there you are ready to go! Buni you are his hero! You have taught Logan so much and you are literally ready to move mountains for him. I can only imagine how much more love is going to come your way when Logans brother arrives!!  

Mitch Alboms said:

“I realized when you look at your mother, you are looking at the purest love you will ever know”

Mom you are amazing and I can’t thank you enough for all you do not only for me and my little family but for ang, robert, and dad. Thank you for your patience, your understanding, your support, and reminders to be strong and brave, for your humor and for loving us the way only you can. You are really our rock, our example of what it means to have faith, to be strong, to fight every battle you’re faced with fearlessly, thank you for everything. I love you. 

Let Go and Let God....Part Three

...fast forward a few weeks we've made it to the 8 week mark! In we go for our first official prenatal visit. If I were to tell you I wasn't nervous or scared I'd be lying...but right beside me was Moe who I thank the Lord for because he's always there to remind me that everything is ok that all we need is faith and God will always see us through. So first things first we get an ultrasound done to make sure that this little one is growing as they should be. Laying there holding my breathe I wait for the the screen to light up and the tech quickly finds our little miracle! With the biggest sigh of relief and silent prayer of thankfulness there was our baby. The child that not only Moe & I have prayed for but that Logan has been asking God for as well. Our healthy beautiful baby with its strong clear heartbeat right there on the screen for us to see. Its beyond amazing that from something so small we couldn't even see anything BUT an empty sac a few weeks prior to now seeing a little human growing, a little heart beating strong, a little someone bouncing inside me. We were in awe of Gods merciful hand. 

All went well at that visit and off we went hearts so full of joy nothing could bring us down. Now we just waited, waited patiently to get past this first trimester. We decided to wait on telling the world about our amazing news until after we passed that 12 week mark. So for the next 4 weeks we continued to pray, asking God to protect this child, to help this little one grow strong and healthy, under his protection, his love, grace & mercy just as He did with Logan. Those 4 weeks went by as best the can...feeling exhausted, nauseousness here and there, but overall it went well. 

Two things that my doctor did mention that worried me a bit was that my blood pressure was a bit high and my sugar boarderline. Now if theres one thing I know, its that I have horrible white coat syndrome...yes this is a real thing. Whenever I'm in any type of doctors office my blood pressure goes up and then once I'm gone it drops within normal ranges. So after mentioning my doctors concerns to my mom she let me know she had an extra BP machine at home that I can keep to monitor myself over the next month. I basically wanted to show the doctor that my BP is normal as long as I'm not in the office...I also started checking my sugar levels as well again to show her that I am within range. 

As we got to week 12 a bit of spotting came back and a wave of worry came over me. All the while Moe being calm reminded me to have faith and that everything would be ok. We were a week out from our next doctors visit but I still decided to email them and let them know. A day later the nurse calls me and says to come in early since they have an opening the day after. So here we go our 12 week visit. Driving there again with a heart full of prayer & excited to see our little one again since an ultrasound was ordered as part of our sequential screening. Just as soon as the tech turns on the ultrasound machine there's our sweet babe, active as can be, a strong beautiful heartbeat, and most of all a healthy, measuring perfectly. 

One thing I will say is that at the beginning of 2016 I said to myself and to God that this was the year that I would let go. I would put my own plans, my own idea of the "perfect time", my anxieties aside and I would let Him work. I knew at the bottom of my heart that God was not done growing our family and my prayer was that 2016 would be the year that our prayers as a family for a sweet little one would be answered. I had faith stronger than Ive ever had and I put my trust completely in Gods plan. This sweet little one reminds me daily that God is here with us, he hears our prayers, and he keeps his promises. His timing is absolutely perfect and WE as a family could not be more grateful for our newest addition to join us this August! 2016 was really about letting go and letting God work, personally needing to learn how to fully trust his will and how to truly have faith that he will never let us go. 

So although I've been MIA for a while Ill fill you in on how our pregnancy is going in upcoming posts! 

Let Go and Let God...Part two

...Sitting there praying for a Christmas Miracle...I close my eyes and pray "how amazing would a positive test be...it would literally be a Christmas miracle..." I open my eyes. 

The test....that little window on that stick showed me a word that I had not seen since I saw it when we found out we were expecting Logan! God had heard my prayers! There it was a test reading POSITIVE! A POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST!!! There I was shaking from the shock with tears streaming down my face...I go down to the basement...Moe gets up scared that something was wrong...worry consumes his face...cause well his wife just came downstairs in basically silent tears and not saying anything...I show him and we are both in shock at this time...the first words out of my mouth were "Its really happening! Its positive! God heard us...were having a baby! AGAIN!" We got on our knees and prayed we thanked God for answering our 4 year long prayer, for not forgetting about us, for blessing us again. We prayed for this pregnancy, we prayed for the baby to grow healthy, for my to be healthy. We thanked him over and over again. 

To have kept this news quiet has NOT been easy! We couldn't wait to share the news that our family is growing! I wanted to be out of the first trimester before we broke the news to the world. So we began this pregnancy journey...taking it all one week at a time....from what we calculated we put ourselves just at about 5 weeks or so...the next day I call the doctor to schedule our first visit...they said they could schedule me in at 7 weeks which is around the the time you have that first fist. Excited I schedule that appointment and mark it on the calendar! As this first week went by and then the second I start each day with prayer  asking for healthy, protection and Gods grace over this pregnancy and our new baby as well as for Logan. As the end of the week approaches I notice something worrisome...spotting of course this is terrifying any type of bleeding is not what you want to see this early and I call the doctor explain the situation and she basically said its best to come in and get checked out just to be sure everything's and since my first visit was scheduled for monday anyway we would just do everything that afternoon. 

As I'm driving to the doctor I pray and pray and pray. Please protect the baby, Please be with the baby, keep the baby, our miracle healthy. We get to the appointment they check everything and we are perfectly fine. They do an ultrasound to just check that the baby is where it should be and as the screen turns on all we see is my gestational sac. The ultra sound tech tells me that this is absolutely normal because I'm just teetering between 4 and 5 weeks along so the baby is still so small that they wouldn't come up on on the ultrasound just yet. The doctor has us meet her in the room again and explains the spotting is normal this early but because we found out so soon at this point we don't know which way things will go and just to hold tight till our next appointment which she suggest we schedule sometime at the beginning of January but in the meantime to have some labs run to be sure that my hormone levels are increasing which means the baby is growing so they take a tube of blood and we call it a day. 48hours later I need to go get another blood draw done to see if our numbers are increasing...ok test number two done and we wait...now I have no idea what my first labs were so when I saw the results from the second lab the next day and they were only 172 I thought thats a really low number but according to Doctor Google that would put me at 4ish weeks pregnant like the doctor said so I tried not to over think things...cause as long as the  numbers went up thats what we wanted to see...so who know the first lab may have been really low...

The next afternoon the doctor calls me...I can hear it in her voice when she asks me if I can talk...I step out of the office and say of course. She basically tells me my levels have dropped...and not just by a little but very very dramatically. She explains that the first lab came back with a number of 4420 and the second of 172...at this point she basically explained to prepare myself for the outcome I was dreading...I explained to her that I would want my body to do its thing naturally and she suggested that we do one more blood draw that evening just to check one more time cause she has never seen a drop like this before. I  agree with her and for some reason I was so calm and without worry. I didnt panic, I wasnt afraid, I knew God had something in store for us. 

Let Go and Let God...Part One...

If ten years ago you were to have asked me what I wanted out of life or where I saw myself by 30...my 20 year old self would have given you this answer: "I want to be married to my best friend, I want to have a house, I want to be happy, and I want to have kiddos, maybe 3..." then we would have giggled as we talked about our dreams and then probably got back to studying or writing whatever paper was due the next morning...cause well those convos always happened to have gone down in some diner sometime past midnight.

So now that we've reached that 30 year marker I often look around and take in all the blessings that Ive been given...and I think back at the things I saw myself having, goals and milestones I had wanted to reach by now and slowly they get checked off my list...I was blessed to have been able to marry my best friend, a man I love, my better half who really does make me happier than I could have ever imagined. We bought our first house together which we have turned into a home (yes theres a difference). We have jobs which we actually really enjoy doing and have been such blessings to us. But beyond all that we have been given the opportunity to become parents to the most amazing little boy! So from the looks of things I have been able through Gods grace fulfill my 20 year old self's wishes. Life is pretty good! 

As happy as we are (don't get me wrong we have our bad days too, we are human, it happens) there was one desire that was pulling at my heart for a very very long time. I absolutely LOVE being a mom! This part of my is probably my most cherished nothing can ever compare to the feeling you get when you're a mom. When you look at your little one with so much love because they are part of you, God has blessed you with such a miracle and has entrusted you with these little hearts to grow and protect and love. My heart is so full when I just think about Logan and how happy this child makes me and how much God has worked through him to remind me of so many things. He is literally the greatest blessing in our lives. 

So of course Moe & I have always wanted more kiddos, for Logan to be a big brother. Our hearts were set on growing our family. When we decided to start trying for sweet baby number two we both thought 

"well when we decided to start trying for Logan we were blessed to have been able to conceive within the first month, so this time around should probably go the same right?"

Here we are Logan just about to turn two and we decided that this would be the right time...Logan would be just about 3 and the baby would be born how awesome would that be...What they don't tell you is that sometimes the second time around doesn't come as easily as one would think. So month after month passes...negative test after negative test...still no baby...thoughts start to arise in my mind and I can't help but think there might be something wrong...6 months have already passed and nothing...so if we still aren't pregnant in 3 months I thought maybe I should check in with my doctor...well 3 months pass and still nothing. I go to the doctor and she runs all the test that should be able to give us some kind of answer but after those results come in she basically looked at me and told me well your numbers are all fine, your under 30 it should happen soon. If you still have no luck in the next 3 months I can recommend you to another doctor who specializes in these types of situations. Well 3 more months pass and still constant negative tests appear. Its been about a year now since we've been trying to grow our family and we're still without answers. So I book the appointment with the specialist thinking maybe she can give me a better answer to whats going on...well she didnt...literally she said my numbers are fine everything is ok its just timing...but if we need a little intervention she could possibly prescribe some medication to help. Shocked that we were in this position and having this be an option I wasnt sure what to think, this wasnt supposed to be how we added another baby to our family. Something really didnt feel right, deep in my heart. As we were driving home that day from that appointment I couldn't help but break down as we pulled up to the house. Moe sitting beside me asked what was going through my mind, what were my thoughts about all of the info that had just flooded through our minds. I literally looked at him and said: 

"this isnt how I want this to happen. I fell like Im taking God out of this equation. I want this baby to be given to us by God in his timing because I know his timing is perfect, and I feel if we move forward with treatments Im taking Him out of this and I know that when we try to take care of things our way they will never even come close to being as great as they could have been if left in Gods hands. I want this to be in His timing not my own, because clearly my timing isnt what God had in store for me because a year later here we are. I want God to be the center and not move forward with treatments because if we do then its like were telling God that I don't trust Him."

It was in this moment that we looked at each other and decided that moving forward we're not gonna stress (or try not to stress) about growing our family. That we were going to leave it in Gods hands and let Him work because His timing is better than ours. 

Now this again this isnt something that we've been open about with many people because its a sensitive subject for us. Its hard to constantly be asked "when is baby number 2 coming?" or "Logan would be such a good big brother! Don't you guys wanna try for another?" and countless other similar comments. Little did anyone know we have been dealing with the struggle of conceiving for quite some time...but you put a brave face on and you try not to get overly emotional or sensitive because this is your secret battle. 

What broke my heart more than anything is the one time we were in the car, Moe, Logan & I and Logan says to me "Mom can I have a baby brother or sister?" Moe and I look at each other because here is our 4 year old asking for the one thing I want to give him more than anything in the world and we just tell him "We're praying for that kiddo hopefully soon". So although we were praying for this sibling to arrive we also made sure to include this request in our nightly prayers with Logan and as did he. 

So after as we were reaching our 3 year mark of trying to add to our family I sat down and really thought about things. I thought about how much God has blessed us so far about how good he has been to us over the years. I thought about the amazing childhood we have worked so hard to give Logan so far. I thought about how although I may not understand why this desire that was placed on my heart hasn't yet been fulfilled I knew in the deepest part of my heart that God was not done with our family, our family was not done growing, it may not happen according to my time line BUT God has a different plan, a better plan, a time set aside for this chapter of our lives. I thought about how my I have to completely and fully put my trust in him. To have faith in God and his timing more than I have ever before. I have to literally let go of me wanting to control this and just be still and wait. As 2016 began that was my prayer: let go, be still, and give this up to God completely, to let his will be done. 

Again month after month went by...this year though was different my focus had shifted. It had changed to focusing on my family, making memories, being happy, getting healthy. I learned to just enjoy every moment and take in the blessings big and small as they came. Now the desire for a baby never left my heart, it was always there, but instead of feeling broken...felling defeated by my body...I decided to look at it in this light: God has something big planned just wait! Trust Him and wait! So night after night our prayer for a baby was still there, my perspective changed and was made to be on my relationship with God. Basically I pressed reset and I let him work. As the year was coming to its end I couldn't help but wonder when that prayer would be answered. Knowing I have a powerful God I waited with excitement because I again knew he wasnt done that he had something big in store for us. So jokingly I said moe one night  

"Moe the Cubs won the world series and Trump became president...literally anything is possible this could be the year that we get pregnant again" 

He looked at me and said "you never know!" Basically we laughed that off as a joke but seriously how awesome would that be right?! 

December was among us...That first Sunday of the month we were celebrating the 

dedication of the beautiful new daughter of our close friends...looking around you couldn't help but be happy, not only are we able to experience the joy of parenthood but so are all our friends! We go home in one of the most beautiful snow falls...you know the type that are peaceful and calm...we get home we planned to decorate our tree and get the house ready for Christmas ..once thats done the boys decide to watch a movie and we just have a chill night...it was the perfect night...once Logans tucked in and moe and I are getting ready to catch up on whatever show were finishing up on hulu...I have this weird idea to go take a pregnancy test...the thought in my mind being...well I haven't taken one in a while...if it'll be negative today it'll be negative tomorrow right? So why not...as I'm waiting for the results I literally say a small prayer for a Christmas miracle...